Over the months of mine and James’s relationship, situations have arisen and arguments have occured, and I believe a large part of this is due to my ability to articulate my feelings properly, possibly due to the borderline lack of interpersonal effectiveness. So, I am trying to lay them out in a logical manner and maybe some of you guys can shed some light or opinions on why I am feeling this way.
When we started our relationship, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We were having sex perhaps 5/6 times per week, sometimes multiple times per day. As time has gone on, things have slowed down, which is understandable. But now we seemed to have reached a brick wall. We haven’t had sex for over a week, although there have been reasons. Firstly, I was on my period, then he has been working a lot (he works a 12.5 hour day plus 1.5 hours travelling) and so has been exhausted. This, I understand, and don’t ‘bother him’ (so to speak) on the days that he has worked. But on the days that he isn’t working, he hasn’t been interested either.
How it makes me feel – I believe I have this association in my brain between having sex and being loved. This relationship is so strong that when we actually HAVE sexual intercourse, I immediately feel loved. If he turns me down, I immediately feel rejected, ugly, fat and unwanted. So looking at that last paragraph I realise this link runs deeper than I even realised. Not having physical intimacy with my partner obviously affects me a lot more deeply than I realised. I obviously rely on it for my self worth, something which should stand alone, but obviously doesn’t.
In turn, this makes me insecure, and makes me emotional and down. I am well aware that being insecure, clingy and emotional is completely unattractive and so I want to avoid it at all costs, but this morning I just couldn’t. Yesterday James didn’t work, so when we went to bed, I came on to him, but he told me he was too tired. He told me night times weren’t a good time anyway, and the morning was better. I rolled over, and by the time I had settled, he was already asleep. I woke up this morning to him getting up and going downstairs – so he obviously didn’t want to have sex this morning either.
(By this point, I had become so upset and down that I wouldn’t have wanted to have sex even if he had begged me – although saying that I probably would have done, but that’s due to a whole heap of other issues that I have previously discussed).
I found myself wondering why I had let myself get so fat, and so ugly, and it was no wonder he didn’t want to have sex with me. The logical part of my brain KNEW this was illogical thinking, and KNEW that this was because he was exhausted, and stressed about work. I have even spent time googling questions such as ‘My boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex any more’, ‘My boyfriend is too tired to have sex’ – but this just made me feel worse.
When I went downstairs, James knew that something was wrong with me and kept asking why I was quiet, and what was wrong. I told him that I was feeling out of sorts, that I felt worried he didn’t want me any more. I KNEW how bad it sounded just as it was coming out of my mouth, I just couldn’t stop myself. I was feeling vulnerable and needed to share it with someone, and although James is NOT the right person to share it with, he was the only person there at the time.
He told me that he was really tired, and that we would make it up on the weekend. I told him I didn’t believe him – he has said things like that before and it hasn’t happened. And now, I don’t want to him to feel pressured into having sex with me. I want him to want to – and when it does happen, will it feel as though it is forced?
I went to work, but knew I would be anxious and thinking about it all day. I sent him a message saying I was sorry for being weird, and that I found it hard to articulate what I mean. I said:
“Ok. So I feel as though you have lost interest in me. Yes this is perhaps my own issue in that I seem to need reassurance about myself and I shouldn’t put that on you. I try to just swallow it and get on with things and I also know that you are really tired at the moment. I know you can’t force things also. I also know that by saying how I feel to you, it makes me less attractive because as I have been told so often, insecurity is a weakness and is ugly, not endearing. Sometimes I feel as though I try to talk about things but you just laugh it off and make it feel unimportant when it feels bloody important to me. So then I start to question myself and whether I am just being stupid. I guess there is a fine line between wanting to be with someone who understands you completely, which is what I want, and sharing TOO much and making the other person feel bad. This is not the person I want to be. I know I might be being stupid but these are things that are affecting me so I need to address them.”
He told me that he understood what I was saying, but didn’t want to construct a reply through text, and asked if we could talk tonight, so I agreed. We said we loved each other and that was the last I heard.
It is so hard because I want to be able to be completely open and honest with him – I wasn’t able to in the start because I scared that if I let him in (let him know the true extent of my personality flaws/borderline) he would run a mile – so in a way I made myself out to be someone else – and so I suppose I made a rod for my own back – now he doesn’t understand I need time when I need time, or support, or space.