So James and I went out for a meal last night and had a long talk about things that I have been feeling. I told him I found it hard to articulate things, and to his credit, he gave me the time to talk, to think about what I was saying, to pause and gather my thoughts without rushing me.
During this discussion I came across one issue which I was able to identify. When we have a disagreement or argument, I always feel as though I am the one who raises the white flag, or gives the olive branch. He never comes back to me and apologises or wants to see if I am okay – it is always me. During the argument I feel indignant, and so sure of my conviction and that I am right, but within 15 minutes of it ending, I start to panic that he will leave me and I have to go and ‘make things right’.
So, between us, we deduced the following things from the above:
1) I need to understand that no matter what happens, James will not just leave me due to one single argument
2) James does not come to me because I don’t give him the opportunity to – I always panic and go to him and then blame him for not being the one to make the effort. 15 minutes is not long enough for him to ‘come down’ from the argument and come to me.
3) I need to try to give him this opportunity but the only way this is going to happen is by being secure in the fact that he loves me and will not leave me
4) Time will improve this but I need to somehow work on it to improve how secure I feel in the relationship
We then talked about the ‘sex’ issue. He told me that at the moment, he is so stressed and so tired, that he would likely fall asleep if we started having sex, and then how would I feel? I agreed with him and can understand what he is saying, I think it is just me letting my emotions get out of control, and I need to stop it.
After the talk, I do feel a lot more secure in our relationship but I know I have several things to work on, presents from the previous control that Borderline had over my life, if you like. I suppose it is easy to see how I am like this – one cannot be expected to go from point A (Completely insecure, lacking in self confidence, terrified of rejection) to point B (Secure, confident, happy) without it being one hell of a journey. I have started on that journey but I know I still have a long way to go. Perhaps I need to pick up the DBT again as life has got away from me and I have let it slip.