Is my sub-concious controlling my behaviour?

The argument from earlier this week is slowly fading away. James seems to be okay with me and sweeping things under the carpet (which is fairly normal for him). He seems to be ok, inside I just feel completely broken. My anxiety level is at an all time high and I feel constantly nauseas. I feel massive doubts over our relationship, part of me thinks I should believe the way James made me feel as though the whole sorry mess of an argument was my fault, and accept that it was, and another part of me feels angry for treating me like that (and then wonders if I have a right to) (is it any wonder that I am confused?)

This morning, James told me when we are going to london next week (to celebrate being 6 months together) we could meet up with his friend M, his best friend. James has told me stories of when he goes to stay with M, and they get up and drink Vodka all day. First of all I feel apprehensive about meeting M, and I feel as though I can’t talk to James about it as I feel he will dismiss my feelings. When I talk about feelings (like I have learnt to throughout my recovery), he tells me I being melodramatic. Once he even told me the thinks I think I live in my own little bubble, where things seem much worse than they are, and that everyone has problems, and mine are normal. I would so very much love to believe this, but he wasn’t around when I was ill, in and out of hospital, overdosing, in a living hell.

James told me that M will say the word ‘c*nt’ a lot. This is significant because James and I have talked about this before. He says the word a lot, in general conversation. After a while of tolerating, but wincing every time he said it, I asked him sincerely not to say it, as I found it very offensive. He told me, ‘It’s just a word’. I told him, I know, but I find it really offensive, so please don’t say it. Since then, he has made an effort to cut the word out, and I have noticed this difference.

So him warning me that M would say it – well is that him warning me he will be saying it too? Do I have a right to ask him not to? Does it mean he doesn’t respect me if he uses it or is it male bravado? Should I let it go? I left for work feeling so anxious and so nauseas because I was thinking about it. Am I over thinking things? Is my subconscious finding things to pick at? I am very aware I am reaching the ‘six month’ mark. My last relationship ended at 6 months to the day – for similar reasons – I started finding lots of different faults with my boyfriend of the time, then couldn’t make sense of my feelings, suffered crippling anxiety, so cut and run.

I am scared this is what is happening – and I am going to ruin a good relationship because something in my head is broken, or flawed. What do I do? How do I fix this?

 

 

Advertisements

3 comments

  1. Charlotte · · Reply

    Sending hugs!

    It makes sense that you are feeling scared and uncertain with all this going on. I think your subconscious is trying to protect you by highlighting your concerns about the ‘six month’ mark.

    I’m not sure if your question “How do I fix this?” was rhetorical, but here are my thoughts on it (and sort of a reply to your previous post as well)…

    Maybe it’s worth giving James the benefit of the doubt about his friend saying the c word when you all meet. After all, you’ve been dating for 6 months and you’ve not met M yet, so I would guess that it is likely to not happen again anytime soon. And as James has been making an effort to avoid the word around you, maybe if he does say it when he is around his friend then he will stop/reduce it as soon as his friend is no longer there? Perhaps it’s worth thinking of it as an extra 6-month-anniversary present to him, that he is allowed to be a bit vulgar around his friend? I think if he does use it around his friend then it would be for male bravado rather than to disrespect you. He doesn’t sound like the sort of person who instinctively thinks “how will someone react to my words?”. Then if he gets frustrated that you don’t complain then you can say you really appreciate how he doesn’t use the word when he is talking with you! I do agree it’s a nasty word.

    I mentioned about how he sounds like someone who does not think “how will someone react to my words?” Maybe this is why he really does not understand why you do not find his unfunny jokes amusing… As much as he says his opinion to your reaction to his joke was immature, his response that he can never make a joke again is hardly any better!

    As for what to do about the 6 month anniversary and how it panned out in your previous relationship, one thing I would say is leave it two weeks before making the move if you do decide to run, just to give things a chance to blow over, and reassure yourself that you are making the right decision.

    It’s really harsh on you that he dismisses your mental health as being ‘normal’. Does he know the full extent of your history with BPD? At some point he’s going to have to come to terms with that, your past is always going to be part of you, even though you have done so well at coming so far! 🙂

    With the arguement, it seemed to blow up from communication issues between both of you? So maybe if you can, try and leave this one in the past, and focus on having a good time in London. The two of you can always focus on communicating some other time once the dust has completely settled.

    I’m very sorry if I am being too opinioned or bossy in this message, I do wish you all the best! x

    1. Charlotte · · Reply

      Apologies for the typos, I forgot to spell check before posting!

      1. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I so appreciate that you read my (rather long!) post and actually took the time to think about it and respond. I find your comments really helpful about the six month present… I think that is the way I am going to play it. I’ve even started worrying about what happens if James starts drinking and then he gets carried away and is horrible to me? Or we miss the show because he won’t leave his friend? (We are going to see Billy Elliott in the evening). I think I am being so stupid thinking all these things and probably not giving James anywhere near enough credit thinking he will act this way.

        With regards to my past, I have told him the biggest things (mentioned the term Borderline, obviously he can see the self harm on my arms and legs, but also told him about the escorting and about the suicide attempts and hospitalisation). In all honesty though, I told him early on in our relationship so played it down a LOT because I didn’t want him to run a mile. Now I wish I hadn’t because I feel as though it is important for me to continue in my recovery and I would love his support, but I suppose in one was he doesn’t KNOW that I need his support because I never told him and now hide it.

        Is it too much to expect him to be my best friend and soulmate? I have even started wondering whether we are too different to work. (Or even if I will ever work with anyone).

        I will definately take your advice about not making any rash decisions and waiting at least two weeks. I know I should give James more credit for all the things he has accepted about me and my past. Does this mean I should be grateful for this acceptance? Should I be grateful that he is willing to be with me even with that baggage? It’s just a shame he doesn’t know, and I don’t feel I can tell him, the extent of the baggage, because it would either make the relationship stronger, or break it. I wouldn’t be able to articulate what I needed to say anyways so that isn’t even worth thinking about.

        Anyway thank you SO MUCH again, it has helped me so much reading your comments and knowing you took the time to help me. xxx

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: