The argument from earlier this week is slowly fading away. James seems to be okay with me and sweeping things under the carpet (which is fairly normal for him). He seems to be ok, inside I just feel completely broken. My anxiety level is at an all time high and I feel constantly nauseas. I feel massive doubts over our relationship, part of me thinks I should believe the way James made me feel as though the whole sorry mess of an argument was my fault, and accept that it was, and another part of me feels angry for treating me like that (and then wonders if I have a right to) (is it any wonder that I am confused?)
This morning, James told me when we are going to london next week (to celebrate being 6 months together) we could meet up with his friend M, his best friend. James has told me stories of when he goes to stay with M, and they get up and drink Vodka all day. First of all I feel apprehensive about meeting M, and I feel as though I can’t talk to James about it as I feel he will dismiss my feelings. When I talk about feelings (like I have learnt to throughout my recovery), he tells me I being melodramatic. Once he even told me the thinks I think I live in my own little bubble, where things seem much worse than they are, and that everyone has problems, and mine are normal. I would so very much love to believe this, but he wasn’t around when I was ill, in and out of hospital, overdosing, in a living hell.
James told me that M will say the word ‘c*nt’ a lot. This is significant because James and I have talked about this before. He says the word a lot, in general conversation. After a while of tolerating, but wincing every time he said it, I asked him sincerely not to say it, as I found it very offensive. He told me, ‘It’s just a word’. I told him, I know, but I find it really offensive, so please don’t say it. Since then, he has made an effort to cut the word out, and I have noticed this difference.
So him warning me that M would say it – well is that him warning me he will be saying it too? Do I have a right to ask him not to? Does it mean he doesn’t respect me if he uses it or is it male bravado? Should I let it go? I left for work feeling so anxious and so nauseas because I was thinking about it. Am I over thinking things? Is my subconscious finding things to pick at? I am very aware I am reaching the ‘six month’ mark. My last relationship ended at 6 months to the day – for similar reasons – I started finding lots of different faults with my boyfriend of the time, then couldn’t make sense of my feelings, suffered crippling anxiety, so cut and run.
I am scared this is what is happening – and I am going to ruin a good relationship because something in my head is broken, or flawed. What do I do? How do I fix this?