Well, it’s been quite a while since I last posted, and a lot has happened in that time.
On November 12th 2014 I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, Evelyn Poppy. I won’t go into the details save to say birth is pretty horrendous, but it is true when they say you forget the pain and the trauma of it all. Admittedly, it wasn’t as soon as they placed her in my arms, it was about four days later (lol) but at least I can’t remember it now!
Evelyn (Evie for short) is literally the best thing that has ever happened to me. I did wonder how I would take to motherhood but I absolutely love it. She is now nine weeks old, and doing brilliantly.
As my pregnancy progressed I did worry about how I would feel when she was born. I have always thought of my emotions as slightly flawed due to my borderline and it was a big worry for me that maybe I would not be able to love her, perhaps because I don’t really know how to love myself. Evie actually arrived five weeks early (and very quickly) so I think the first emotion I actually felt when she arrived was shock. I looked at her in my arms and literally felt nothing – just numbness. I was a little concerned about not feeling that immediate “connection” or “love” that women say they feel as soon as they see their baby. Thankfully, later that night in the hospital as I lay staring at her little face, a peculiar feeling started to come over me. As time passed, I became more and more protective of this little person and within a few days, I felt that indescribable love for her.
In those early days I did have a lot of bad thoughts that I tried to push to the back of my mind. They were thoughts about me inadvertently injuring her – falling asleep holding her and dropping her off the side of her bed, carrying her and dropping her on the floor, spilling scalding hot drinks over her beautiful sensitive skin. To this day I have no idea why I kept on imagining these scenarios over and over again through my head, but in one way it was a positive because it made me very. very cautious around her – a bit too much to be honest – I was terrified of accidentally hurting her.
Things are a lot better now, and I am a lot more relaxed as I have begun to be more confident in handling her, especially now she is a lot bigger (she was just under 6lb when we came home from the hospital, she is 10lb now!). I am breastfeeding, and honestly, it is the best thing I have ever done. I feel as though I am forging this beautiful bond with her, that no-one else can have. Sometimes in the middle of the night, I look down at her little face suckling on my boob and I feel as though we are the only people in the whole world (if I ignore the other half snoring away next to us!!).
I literally want to give her the best of everything, both in physical things and emotional support. I want to learn from the mistakes I believe my parents made with me and parent her in a way that she will grow up feeling loved, secure and emotionally competent. I don’t want her to fall foul of the risk of BPD and I am going to do my absolute utmost to make sure she does not take that path in life.
Now I am on maternity leave, I am going to pick up where I left off with the DBT and the books by Marsha Linehan. (I was reviewing them on this blog but stopped half way through because other things got in the way). I want to make the most of those skills in parenting Evie. I want to be the best I can for her. This isn’t about me any more and although my emotional needs are important, everything I do will be for my daughter.