The one that didn’t make it.

I wanted to put something down here about a dear friend of mine, Cath. Cath and I go back for years, we initially met through horses and she was a lovely girl, although unfortunately quite troubled. She had been through quite a lot in her life, and I believe her diagnosis was initially Borderline, but then leading on to other things such as psychosis, severe depression, eating disorders and much more. This led to an extended stay in a psychiatric unit from which she was allowed home early last year.

Cath took her life last Sunday, and I feel totally and utterly gutted about it. In recent years, I had distanced myself from her, in order to protect myself. When I was ill she was always there for me, to the extend of appearing at the hospital when I had attempted to take my life, and sitting all night holding my hand. When I began to get better, I found encounters with her only sent me reeling, sending me back months into my recovery. As a result I made the decision to step away and allow myself to heal. We still spoke occasionally, but I didn’t see her.

I can’t help thinking I should have made more of an effort to support her, to be there for her. I did admittedly feel out of my depth due to her severe mental illness, but now she is gone, and it is too late to make an effort now.

Why is mental illness so cruel? She didn’t deserve to die. She was such a sweet, kind and caring girl. She was 26. Rest in peace Cath, I will make sure I stay well and happy, I just wish you could have been too.

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3 comments

  1. Don’t blame yourself. She probably needed more help than you could give her. Maybe Dialectical Behaviour Therapy could have helped her like it helped me. Had she done DBT, do you know? I think it should be accessible to anyone with BPD. Take care of yourself. I’m sure she would have wanted you to for her. (Huge hugs!) ❤

  2. lizabethf · · Reply

    I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. Having lost a family member to suicide I understand the feelings of guilt…they are part of the difficult grieving process. Take things one moment at a time and take good care of yourself.

  3. I’m so so sorry for your loss. It’s tough losing someone that way. How I have lost many friends myself. Don’t beat yourself up. You both had your own paths to walk. It will take time but you will get through this. I’m with you in spirit.

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