WordPress emailed me today and told me that it had been 8 months since I last blogged, and so I felt I should probably get myself back on her and reach out to you all again – I hope this post finds you all healthy and happy.
So much has happened in the last 8 months that it is hard to put it into one single post. I sadly find myself with very little time for writing now, with a young child, and my mind is often cloudy through lack of sleep. I promise I will make more of an effort to touch base more often though.
So, where to start. Well -I got married! I never thought I would find anyone who would want to actually commit to me (ha ha) and also never thought I would be willing to take that step myself. It seems so… final. But, I did it, and it was such a amazing day having all our friends and family in one place celebrating with us. And, to make things slightly more complicated (because as you know in my life, nothing is ever simple) two months before the big day I found out that we expecting baby #2!
Fast forward to now, and I am 33 weeks pregnant. I’m not going to lie, it is much harder that I thought or expected it would be having a toddler and being pregnant at the same time. But, I truly believe these things happen for a reason and although I do have some mixed feelings about it, I am looking forward to meeting our second daughter.
Parenting, surprisingly, came so easy to me. Obviously there are tough times (namely lack or sleep or now the tantrums have started) but as soon as my first daughter arrived that maternal instinct kicked in and I was a changed person – like a switch had gone off in my head. And although I liked to say, prior to my daughter, that I was in recovery, I think that having her was like the final piece in the puzzle.
Now I am pregnant again, I have been having some issues with anxiety which I find quite difficult to deal with, given that I have never really struggled that much with that symptom before. Depression yes – psychosis yes – but not really anxiety. Any time I have, I have just self medicated with either Diazepam during the day or Zopiclone at bed time, and never really faced the anxiety head on. By the morning it had always improved.
Anyway, because of the pregnancy I obviously can’t medicate myself (nor would I want to any longer – such a dangerous path to go down) so I made the decision to discuss my concerns with my midwife. All the anxiety I have seems to be based around my daughter and her safety, and unfortunately it was getting to the point where it was starting to affect whether or not I allowed her to do things and therefore affecting her life and enjoyment of it. The midwife referred me for CBT therapy but shock horror – I must have been lost in the ether because despite being referred as an “urgent case” I haven’t heard anything back since. Not that I am surprised of course – this is the NHS, and as my favourite saying goes, “If I had waited for the NHS to help me, I would be dead by now”.
I have been dealing with it on my own by trying to rationalise my thoughts, and trying to place those that are unreasonable into a place where I don’t let them affect me. For example, I worry about her falling down stairs. So, it is reasonable that I put a stair gate on the top and the bottom of the stairs, and it is reasonable that I stay close to her when she climbs up and down, however it is not reasonable to imagine her falling down and breaking her neck (I’m not kidding, I lie in bed thinking about it) and it is not reasonable to carry her up and down because she needs to do it herself to practice being safe.
I know this could possibly be another arm of my underlying Borderline coming out, then again it could be a completely new issue. I am hoping with the arrival of the new baby, when things settle down, so will my anxiety.
Anyway, that’s it from me for now, and I promise to update again soon!