Things on the whole have been bumbling along quite nicely. I have been doing well at work, and have started to feel proud of the achievements I have made in that area of my life.
My two beautiful children are just that – beautiful, balanced and a total joy. Parenting is hard, I’m not going to lie, but very rewarding at the same time.
Now, on to the shit stuff. My poor husband, who lost his oldest sister suddenly 18 months ago has been struck with the news that his middle sister has advanced cancer and is now in palliative care. It has hit him like a steam train, and as I discovered after the death of his oldest sister, he does not deal with stress well and tends to take it out on the people closest to him (read: me). Life at home has become very, very difficult. I’ve been trying to support him as much as I possibly can, but after an argument last night in transpires he feels I am not supporting him at all. I have asked him what I can do to make him feel supported above and beyond what I felt was the right thing to do, but the shutters are down and I am very much an outsider looking in.
Sadly, the constant bad feeling in the house, the constant snapping and the constant shutting me out affects me deeply and I selfishly or not I find myself taking a step back from him emotionally, in order to protect myself. If I am no longer emotionally invested, it doesn’t hurt so much when I bust a gut to show my support and I am told I have made no effort whatsoever.
Sadly I do feel this situation is only going to get worse over the coming weeks, and for that I am grateful that I am still on my medication. It provides me with a form of safety net, a sense that no matter how bad things get, I won’t go back to the place that is dangerous for me. I also have my own support network of friends whom I am very grateful to lean on. I am only sad that my husband chooses to cut himself off from everyone when he needs them most.
I do also have a large family network but sadly I am having issues within this area of my life as well, my brother is unwell with his own issues and my sister is also having trouble, so I feel I cannot go to my parents and tell them the extent of the issues because they already have enough on their plates. That aside, as you know, I have never been one to connect emotionally to my parents due to a long history of being emotionally invalidated in my home environment.
With the imminent death of my sister in law, I find myself thinking, what difference have I made? The difference I have made for myself – I have gotten myself well, I have produced two beautiful children, I have got myself into a good standing financially. But when you are facing death, none of those things (money, job etc) will matter. Will I be able to say I have made a difference for other people? What will my legacy be? This needs some serious thought. I want to start living my life differently. I want to make more of a difference.