About This Blog & The Author

Mention the term ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’ and you will most likely be met with horror or fear, but most commonly confusion. A person suffering with Borderline is the black sheep of the mental health family – they have the diagnosis that nobody wants to, or is able to, treat. Frequently passed from pillar to post, often remaining undiagnosed for many years, a lot of Borderlines end up desperately seeking the reasons behind their behaviours, difficult feelings and emotional pain, and often giving up, resulting in self destructive behaviours, or worse, suicide.

After years of struggling, and being offered diagnoses which didn’t quite ‘fit’ I found myself being diagnosed with ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’. Little did I know, finally finding this diagnosis was not the answer to my prayers – in fact it was quite the opposite. I am long past my initial diagnosis but it took me a long time to become  acutely aware of how difficult living with condition can be; talking openly about the disorder and the associated symptoms can be awkward and uncomfortable, therefore this blog is my outlet, my story of living in the UK with BPD; the struggles, breakthroughs, warts and all.

I have written about a lot of events that I have been through – covering topics such as self harm, suicide attempts, eating disorders, promiscuity, chaotic relationships, sexuality and much more – however please take care as some of these will contain triggering images (these can be found under the stories of life category). These will always be labelled with a *triggering* label to warn you of triggering content or images. I posted about these events of my life partly in the hope that someone will relate to them, and will understand that the way they are behaving does not make them a bad person – it just means that when making the decision to act in that way, there were not in control of their own emotions, and partly because for one last time, I needed to get them out of myself, so I could truly move on.

I am a late twenties girl, holding down a job which I am passionate about, my own house that I own, in a loving relationship with a man whom I care deeply for and have a beautiful daughter with, and dealing with any residual BPD symptoms as they arise using the skills learned during Dialectal Behaviour Therapy. On a day to day basis, I maintain a safe and healthy routine; I eat well, I exercise, I can feel a full repertoire of appropriate emotions and deal with them accordingly. For the most part I can deal with stressful or traumatic events as they arise, and I am able to reflect deeply on my thoughts, actions and behaviours if I am not happy with the results of an interaction.

All of these skills are skills I never thought would be achievable. I thought I was a lost cause and at one time gave up hope. Throughout the hard times in my life I have been given so many different labels; Borderline Personality Disorder, Clinical Depression, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Bulimia Nervosa, Cyclothymia, Body Dysmorphia, Bi-Polar Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder & Seasonal Affective Disorder. A long list, yes, but I have come to realise that I CANNOT and WILL NOT allow any label to define me. I am who I am, or more truthfully, who I want myself and allow myself to be.

My symptoms include (or in the past have included) self harming (to the extent of needing stitches and hospital admissions), suicide attempts ranging from overdosing to suffocation, eating problems and fluctuations in weight, problems with interpersonal relationships with friends, family and partners, confusion over my sexuality and who I am, promiscuity and dangerous impulsive behaviours such as escorting, speeding, spending, drug taking, spoiling for fights, drinking, getting tattoos and piercings. Yet again, I do not allow these behaviours in my past to define my future. I have done many things that I am not proud of, and choose to no longer give them a moments thought. I cannot change them, like many other people cannot change the events of their pasts, so what is the point of dwelling on them?

My main fear and doubt about writing this blog was that it would be found by someone who knows me in ‘real life’ and it could be used against me. That was until I received feedback from those reading, telling me how much reading my experiences has helped them to come to terms with their own. It the grand scheme of things, I decided being able to help people through my honesty and bravery is much more important to me than worrying about what could happen if someone happened to stumble across this blog. If they are not willing to accept me as I am, then they aren’t worth worrying about anyway.

I hope through being open and honest (almost painfully so) in this blog I can help people to see that they are not alone – we all struggle with the same issues, conflicts and emotional disruption but there is always a way to deal with things (most of the time I find through humour is the best way!) and that in the end, with good people surrounding you, life can be worth living – when I am feeling good I make an effort to continue blogging in the hope that people can take some comfort from the fact that there are times when life can be enjoyed.

By the fact that you are here, reading this page, I will assume that you yourself, or someone you love, is currently struggling with the disruption to life caused by BPD. Please do not give up hope. Yes – borderline is a roller-coaster but having a Borderline in your life can be very rewarding – through the nature of the condition Borderlines are deeply passionate and loving people.

There are several therapies which have been specifically designed to treat Borderline, however I do believe that there are many non-Borderlines that could also benefit from the skills taught in these therapies. Both DBT  (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) and MBT (Mentalisation Based Therapy) can be beneficial in helping anyone who struggles with their emotions and behaviour, or even those who simply wish to improve their life and well-being. Feel free to follow my journey into therapy here and here as I begin to learn about myself and how to deal with the challenges that life entails.

I know from experience how hard BPD can make things so please don’t struggle on your own – in you are feeling vulnerable, get some help. I hope that through this blog I am able to make people realise that they are not alone and there are always options open to them.

I like to think that I have now reached a point in my life where I am in control of the way I act, think and feel. Some people say there is ‘no cure’ for Borderline, that you have it for life, but I beg to differ. I no longer self harm, I no longer contemplate suicide, and I no longer have impulses to behave in ways that are damaging to myself and others. I am conscientious, I can both empathise and sympathise with people and I can interact safely and calmly in social situations. It may be the case that I still have Borderline traits but I also believe that 99% of the population show at least some Borderline symptoms, in one way or another. If you want to be controlled and stereotyped by a label, go right ahead, but I for one do not and will not. I am me, and I have come to love the person I am.

There is hope – please don’t forget it. I hope my journey inspires you to be strong – it’s a beautiful day out there, you just need to get yourself out there and see it.

Please note: Images are sourced from google images. These are not my own images and I do not own copyright of them.

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63 comments

  1. Have you seen this book? The cover looks terrible!! Here’s the link and description. I’m gonna ask around.

    http://www.amazon.com/How-Spot-Borderline-Personality-ebook/dp/B0055OHPTK/ref=sr_1_21?ie=UTF8&qid=1337593673&sr=8-21

    Based on former FBI Special Agent Joe Navarro’s experience as a criminal profiler and behavior specialist, “How to Spot a Borderline Personality”, provides the average person the tools necessary for identifying and assessing individuals who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. This is a must read for anyone who wants to “protect” themselves, their children, or their loved ones from such a personality.

    This short practical guide and checklist includes the 100 behaviors that are closely associated with this prevalent disorder. It is easy to use and intended for the average layperson: you truly don’t have to be a psychiatrist to use this.

    This short booklet will give you insight into this disorder by examining behaviors that may not be recognizable to you at first but have proven over time to be part of the Borderline Personality. Practical, fast, easy to read and simple to understand, this guide sheds light on a disorder that afflicts many with serious consequences for the rest of us.

    1. That is crazy and makes my blood boil! Talk about discrimination! He might has well written a book called ‘How to spot a person with cancer’ …. Because we all know if you fall in love with someone with cancer you get hurt…. !

      1. Hello there. I had to click the link just to see if it was true. What the F-?

      2. I know. What a prick.

  2. Oh goodness, I really adore you just from this little bit. (: xx

    1. Well I adore you more ❤ xxx

      1. NOT POSSIBLE>. ❤

  3. I’ve nominated you for the reader appreciation award. Check it out on my blog! Xx

  4. Thanks Lexi 🙂

  5. Dear Living (and I’m glad you ARE living, that tells me you are a survivor!)
    First, thank you for stopping by and visiting me and choosing to follow. I’m quite glad you did. I don’t know if you spent anytime on my site, but I encourage you to. If you read the About page alone, you get a pretty good idea of what I’m about.

    My heart bled reading your intro as well as your latest posts. To have to go through this and to try to protect yourself by self isolating, is tragic. You obviously have a strong survival instinct otherwise you wouldn’t be here yes? GOOD.

    I am just an everyday, average, mid life woman, have raised my children and my husband 🙂 and find I am not quite done. This world of blogging has opening my eyes to so many things and my world to even more.

    I have very little to offer anyone, save my ears, shoulders, common sense, and sense of humor in all things human. If you ever want to talk I am always willing to listen. I truly believe sometimes we all just need someone to listen. And it certainly IS NOT anyone even remotely like Joe Navarro!

    I hope you don’t think it odd that I put this out there to you. I hope you take it for what it’s worth…my door is always open.

    Best wishes,
    Rhonda

  6. Thankyou! Your words mean more to me than you realise. It just shows that there are some incredibly special people out there. x

    1. sometime in the next day or so….please come by my page and go to my One Ugly Tomato post…there is something there for you.
      🙂
      R

  7. I have nominated you again for another award! Here it is… http://theetruthis.wordpress.com/2012/06/09/sunshine-award/

    I do apologize for no longer having you on Facebook. My mother had gone through my messages and saw our messages and I had to make a new Facebook because I wouldn’t tell her how I knew you. Ha! I’m going to be making a Facebook connected to this blog though, I’ll add you then! Much love. X

  8. Hey there!! Thanks for following me,,,,I look forward to us travelling together thru our Mental Health journey together 🙂

    1. I look forward to it 🙂

  9. Glad to have found your blog, am now following! Nice to meet you, Maxi x

  10. Nice to meet you too. I hope I can help you xx

  11. Hi Patrick,
    I hope I can help you and your girlfriend. Living with someone who has BPD can be hard but also very rewarding… we are very thoughtful, loving and loyal. xxx

  12. Thanks for telling me about your DBT posts. It will help to read your posts as I finish each chapter. I find the info so profound that I keep going over the same chapters over and over.
    I am still absorbing chapter two. Thank you so much!

  13. thank you so much for visiting my blog! i was diagnosed with this many years ago, i don’t know if it still stands, i’m looking forward to reading what it actually is. xo

    1. If you were diagnosed previously, it more than likely still stands. Good luck. It’s a long road (more like a rollercoaster actually) but I’m sure it will be worth it in the end. xxxxxxxx

      1. i blew it off back then, i just did some reading up on it, and i’m a little freaked out. but i’m in intense therapy for all the abuse and ptsd…etc. hopefully it will help.
        i’m doing EMDR and OEI

  14. Did I ever tell you that my daughter has BPD?

    1. I think you’ve mentioned it actually – how does that feel? x

      1. It is very difficult. When she was growing up and I was doing bad myself, I couldn’t handle it. But I love her just as much as my son who seems to be perfect lol

  15. Hey I just started following your blog ermmm i just got diagnoised with Borderline to and we have A LOT in common.. im pressed on time and its hard for me to read/post a lot. I have an eating disorder to and use to have two blogs about that i wish i could start another blog but im crazy busy
    im posting this using my fb (dana michelle colthart)
    id love to chat more with you on chat to have more of a support system and im sure i can offer you lots of support as well. I swear im not some creepy person

    1. What a lovely comment. I hope you learn to live with your BPD xxx

  16. Forgot to say, I have Skype and e-mail, and if I get to know you a little better maybe FB :p xx

  17. On of my friends just commented saying I MANIPULATED the system. (we’re good friends who disagree about stuff ALL the time. We’ll be good) She must not have ANY idea what saying the word manipulation means to someone with BPD, even though she’s researched it. You don’t have to agree with me regarding what it was about, I don’t mind. But if you get a few minutes will you comment on how you feel about the word manipulation? You can even ream me after that if you disagree with the rest 🙂
    http://mmstores.wordpress.com/2012/10/27/just-a-few-clauses/

    1. Never Mind! I don’t think I have a chance in winning this one and I already put Angel in a bad spot. I think there’s enough there for me to be reamed for a long while. 🙂

      1. Sorry hun, I ‘ve just seen this! Let me go look at it. xxxx

      2. It’s ok! I think I’m going to loose this battle. I don’t give a shit if this med is like meth. I was on it for 10 yrs and I was GOOD. Way better than now! And I’m not an addict!!! I’ll still lose 🙂 God forbid anyone else I know reads that now. Except my mother 🙂 I hope she does. 🙂 I’m going to go get caught up on your blog now.

  18. I have nominated you for the brilliant blog award. If interested all the info is here: http://mm172001.wordpress.com/2012/11/14/the-brilliant-blog-award/

  19. Meredith Barnes · · Reply

    I recently came upon your blog and have been catching up on your entries. I wanted to let you know I’ve been living with BPD for 2 years and can understand every word you say. I’ve gone thru DBT and also had to wait for a spot – don’t give up! It’s very comforting for me to know that there are other people who think and feel the way I do. A site I visit regularly to help with DBT is http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/…lots of stuff to see and do. Take care and know that you aren’t alone 🙂

    1. Thank you. I’m always amazed at how many people there are that can relate to each other, myself included. I use DBT self help a lot (should use it more). Keep safe and have a lovely christmas xx

  20. Hi, great blog! I’ve started something similar myself, so I hope you don’t mind if I link to you. As a fellow BPD, um, “sufferer” (I mean, I KNOW we suffer, but not sure I want to use that — maybe I should say “survivor”) I find your story so moving, and I can relate to much of it.
    Thanks for putting yourself out there, and thanks for the resources to help BPDers and those who care about them.
    –Beauty

    1. Beauty, I have only just seen this comment. I am following you with interest. Keep writing, it helps. xx

  21. BPD sufferers are like the first flowers blooming in early spring…and then an abnormal frost comes, traumatic, and stops their growth. Then, in the second spring (after that wierd frost) all other flowers bloom, but the BPD flower stays “frozen in time from the trauma, unable to unfold like all the other flowers.

    This is the truth…and the only solution…is Love. It is Love, the noun. It is the same thing, Infinite Consiousness, that heals us when uninhibited by thought during deep sleep, and that is “Unconditional Love.” However, there are not really any/many of these transparent entities on the plant. So, for people frozen in brain development (and all have various degrees of this, or they would be transparent entities), we only have, at best, “wounded healers”…those with slow enough brain waves to attract others (since theirs are slower than most), but not enough to instill substantial changes within those frozen in time, and not a transparency to pure energy, posing a risk to them in attempting healing–can drain them to death if allowed.

    It is the advancement of the brain, from living correctly, that slows brain waves…a disillusioning process, and eventually supercedes thought with the power of Infinite Consciousness.
    What is it they say? Without deep sleep we would never heal…though we are not conscious of it, Infinite Consciousness comes to us in deep sleep…and for those who have “died to thought” they are Infinite Consciousness, Unconditional Love…and no one else is. And they are conscious to all that is.

  22. Thank you for your honest, brave, blog. I and a now best friend I met while hospitalized both have the BPD and i find it very inspiring to read of your successes. I’m joining a group in Sept. for DBT, sure hope I get results.

    1. Thank you for your lovely comment. I wish you all the best with your DBT and if you need any help, let me know 🙂 xxx

  23. http://gettinbetter.com/fallout.html

    I seen this sad excuse for an attack on those suffering from BPD today. And everything about this ”how to get over a breakup with a borderline” makes me sick!

    Opinions would be greatly appreciated from you guys 🙂

    Thanks!
    Amanda.

  24. lexilove85 · · Reply

    Hey love… it’s Lexi. I’ve made a new blog. I’m not telling a ton of my old people but I am finding some of my old favorites. I miss you so much… I hope to talk to you soon. xoxoxo

    1. Hello sweetheart. I’ve missed you too! Hope you are okay xx

  25. Can the auther of this page please contact me as you are using a picture of me without my permission

    1. Hi Amy,

      Please could you let me know which image it is?

  26. this image is copywrited

    1. Hi Amy,

      I am very sorry – I just took it off google images and it did not have any copyright information with it. Which image is it and I will remove it right now.
      I am sorry, I hope I have not caused any offence or upset.

  27. Hi there,
    Nice to find your blog, which I’m now following. I, too, have survived BPD and have started my blog in the hope of helping others.
    Leelee x

  28. Hi guys, thank you to everyone who has already helped me get this up and running.

    It’s all ready to go now. A leading UK mental health charity has got on board with the designs and agreed to be apart of this – so we’re just in need of a bit of cash for the final push.

    ANY amount of money – as little as £1 – would really help me get this funded. Anything over £25 and you’ll recieve some stock as well.

    Message me if you have any questions & please share guys

  29. Hi my name is Sarah, I love and have been following your blog for about a year now- I’ve been struggling with BPD for the past ten years since diagnosed at 14. I write as well and find it to be an incredible outlet for calming anxiety and walking through fear:

    http://inbetweenrealityillusion.com/

    If you do not mind would you possibly contact me? I find you an amazing courageous inspiration with so much raw honesty and hope.

    email- schoenthalsarah@gmaill.com
    Would truly love to hear from you.

    1. Hi Sarah

      Thanks for following. I’ll take a look at your blog. I hope mine helps you. I will drop you an email.

      xx

  30. Thankyou so much for sharing your open and honest experience of living with BPD. So many of our stories cross over, the impusive promiscuity, escorting, drug taking and eating disorder… The list could go on but it won’t. Keep being a shining beacon of hope in the dark world that follows after a BPD diagnosis. You rock!

    1. Thank you so much. Hope you are doing OK.

      1. Life is getting better since DBT, for me. x Thanks x

  31. Hi Sarah.

    Great blog! While chronicling my struggles in my own blog http://chartingmyjourney.blogspot.com/ , I accidentally came upon an article on the movie Young Adult and BPD.

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/reel-therapy/201203/young-adult-the-new-borderline-personality-disorder-in-cinema

    I had never heard of BPD prior to reading the article. I just remember how the movie initially struck me because how relate-able Charlize Therons’ struggles and actions were. Reading the article led me to your blog. Thank you for sharing your experiences with BPD. I hope you find the peace you seek and deserve.

    1. Thank you for your lovely comment. I hope so too. x

  32. After 50 years with bipolar (yes, I’m old) I recently had an additional diagnosis of features of BDP. Life has never been harder, though in the past my problems included psychosis. But for many years I’ve fought to cut down on stigma. I did so using my own name, choosing to be open. Hoping this would help people realize there is really nothing to be ashamed of.
    A few days ago I started doing the same. I started a blog to write about BPD being honest and using my own name. Am I being courageous or recklessly foolish? You see, hundreds of people already know about my struggles with mental illness. I write about it all the time. What do you think? Am I nuts to be doing this?

    Thank you for your good example being so open about this.

    marja

    http://marjabergen.com/

    1. I think if you are used to writing publicly about your struggles with mental health, writing about BPD won’t be any different. I think allowing your readers to understand a little more about you can help them identify with the person who is writing – and sometimes that helps. When I started this blog I did it anonymously, but then I came to realise that actually I didn’t care if anyone found it and associated it with me. There are things I have done in my past that I am not proud of, but I did them because of my mental illness, not because I am a fundamentally bad person. At times I find it hard to remember that, and I start to feel ashamed about my past and who I am. It’s still a struggle but we will all get there in the end. Keep strong and I will follow your blog with interest. I am sorry you have had to deal with these problems for so long, and if you don’t mind me saying, congratulations for making it through x

  33. Thank you so much for this. It’s comforting to hear how you feel and that your thoughts match mine in many respects. Yeah, the feeling of shame: It comes and goes for me too. Sometimes I feel strong, writing openly and fearlessly. Then I see no reason for shame. Other times, when my behavior is bad or when I remember bad behavior in the past, I feel dreadfully ashamed. I even wonder if it’s worth living. Amazing how quickly those death wishes can come upon me! I suppose that once I’ve done more DBT that will improve.
    A pastor once helped me in a huge way, telling me that the reason we live is to give others a reason to live. That has helped me through many depressions.

  34. […] She is a lovely person who recounts very honestly her life and struggles. She reminds me a lot of myself!😀     MyBPDStory […]

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