Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t post when I’m feeling good, but then, this blog is about living with BPD – and that includes the highs as well as the lows, to give a fair picture of what my life is like.
Yesterday and today I have been feeling a lot better. In fact, a lot stronger too. Last night, my favourite TV program, Waterloo Road, was on. This program is a drama based in a school, and it’s an hour episode every week. Last night featured a girl who has been self harming, showing the razors, the blood and her feelings surrounding it. I was fully expecting to be triggered by this, but nothing happened.
I remember early in my teens, when I was self harming, only cutting the top side of my arm. One day, I was watching Hollyoaks (another UK soap) and I watched a girl cut herself – on the inside of her arm. It triggered me, and I started cutting on the inside of my arm instead. Sometimes I wonder whether these programs really consider the impact their storylines have on young, impressionable girls.
Anyway, that was a really big positive for me, that watching that storyline on Waterloo Road didn’t have any effect on me when It may have done previously.
Simon is still texting/FB messengering me but I have still not replied to him. Unfortunately with the new messenger you can now see when someone has ‘read’ the message you have sent – which is a bit irritating – because he will now know what I am ignoring him, rather than not just receiving the messages. I had a conversation, also on FB messenger last night, with his girlfriend. I know this is a risky thing to do but I wanted her to know that I do like her and that just because I haven’t made an effort with her doesn’t mean I don’t like her – I wanted her to know it was because of my own ‘head’ reasons. The conversation tended to go in circles a little bit as she was quite cagey, but I believe I said my piece and hopefully made her feel a little better. I know I probably should have steered well clear but I feel a strong sense that I need to make things ‘right’ in the least painful and risky way I can.
On the subject of making things right, yesterday I registered as a blood donor, and a platelet donor (I first of all thought they were the same thing but apparently there are two separate procedures to donate them?). I also re-registered as an organ donor as the last time I registered I was 12. The only concern is that I won’t be able to donate because I am on medication but I will see what they say. I really feel like I need to give something back, to help someone, so I can level up the Karma which is probably flying towards me right now for doing what I did with Simon. At least this a positive way rather than being self destructive towards myself.
Anyway, so I am through it, I am good, I can now look forward and be excited about the house (I got a completion date of 2nd November yesterday!). Thanks to all of you for being there xxxxxxxxxx