Feeling better

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t post when I’m feeling good, but then, this blog is about living with BPD – and that includes the highs as well as the lows, to give a fair picture of what my life is like.

Yesterday and today I have been feeling a lot better. In fact, a lot stronger too. Last night, my favourite TV program, Waterloo Road, was on. This program is a drama based in a school, and it’s an hour episode every week. Last night featured a girl who has been self harming, showing the razors, the blood and her feelings surrounding it. I was fully expecting to be triggered by this, but nothing happened.

I remember early in my teens, when I was self harming, only cutting the top side of my arm. One day, I was watching Hollyoaks (another UK soap) and I watched a girl cut herself – on the inside of her arm. It triggered me, and I started cutting on the inside of my arm instead. Sometimes I wonder whether these programs really consider the impact their storylines have on young, impressionable girls.

Anyway, that was a really big positive for me, that watching that storyline on Waterloo Road didn’t have any effect on me when It may have done previously.

Simon is still texting/FB messengering me but I have still not replied to him. Unfortunately with the new messenger you can now see when someone has ‘read’ the message you have sent – which is a bit irritating – because he will now know what I am ignoring him, rather than not just receiving the messages. I had a conversation, also on FB messenger last night, with his girlfriend. I know this is a risky thing to do but I wanted her to know that I do like her and that just because I haven’t made an effort with her doesn’t mean I don’t like her – I wanted her to know it was because of my own ‘head’ reasons. The conversation tended to go in circles a little bit as she was quite cagey, but I believe I said my piece and hopefully made her feel a little better. I know I probably should have steered well clear but I feel a strong sense that I need to make things ‘right’ in the least painful and risky way I can.

On the subject of making things right, yesterday I registered as a blood donor, and a platelet donor (I first of all thought they were the same thing but apparently there are two separate procedures to donate them?). I also re-registered as an organ donor as the last time I registered I was 12. The only concern is that I won’t be able to donate because I am on medication but I will see what they say. I really feel like I need to give something back, to help someone, so I can level up the Karma which is probably flying towards me right now for doing what I did with Simon. At least this a positive way rather than being self destructive towards myself.

Anyway, so I am through it, I am good, I can now look forward and be excited about the house (I got a completion date of 2nd November yesterday!). Thanks to all of you for being there xxxxxxxxxx

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2 comments

  1. It is important to the reader to see you on good days too, I think. We worry you know lol. I have done what you are doing many times. By that I mean talk to the wife, girlfriend whatever the case may be and assure her that I am not wanting to take anyone away from their companion. Yes, I am glad to see that you are having a positive time right now. Hang in there! 😉

  2. I’m getting caught up, so glad you had a good day! I have to read back and see what happened with Simon, I’m so behind. Is registering for platelets the same as being a bone marrow donor? If not you’ve got to go back and register for that too! That’s what saved my husbands life. The registry is world wide. His best friends donor was from Germany. Unfortunately he died, probably because his donor was a white woman making it only a 3 out of 5 match. He was Hispanic, anyone who isn’t Caucasian has a very hard time finding a match so I always try to tell people to make sure they’re on the registry! If you are called to donate, it’s just blood, not marrow. It’s not a huge deal. I’ve been on the registry for about 14yrs and have never been called. But the doctor who ended up being Mark’s donor (we don’t get to find out until a year later and only if the donor agrees) has donated 3 times. Mark is the only one who lived. He runs marathons and such in Mark’s name. Very cool guy! Hope to meet him some day. Anyways, if platelets isn’t the same as bone marrow (it might be), you better get back in there! 🙂

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