My brother is dead.

Since my last posts regarding my brother and his alcoholism, a lot has changed. For a good few months I had distanced myself from him, before eventually softening and allowing him (limited) access to me and my children (which I am deeply and profoundly grateful that I did – more on that later).

He had moved from my parents house (well, was pushed) into a shared house around 10 minutes away, and had found himself (we thought) a new job that he was doing well with. For all intents and purposes, we all felt he was on a better track, despite knowing, deep down, that he was still drinking.

On Wednesday morning I received a phonecall from my mother. One of his housemates had found my brother dead in the shower that morning.

At first, I think I was in shock. That feeling where a train has hit your chest full force and you can’t seem to breathe. I know I heard the words “they found Tim dead” but they didn’t really seem to enter my brain to be processed.

I went for a walk, then came back, and went back to work. I carried on as normal. It felt like a joke, like he would pop up any minute and shout “April Fool’s!!”. We are currently in lockdown due to Covid-19, so I am working from home anyway, so I just sat at my screen and ploughed on through.

The following day, Thursday, things began to seem a bit more real. I rang my mum with questions. “What happened? How did he die?”. At this point, all they knew was that he was found in the shower.

I needed more information. Was it suicide (would I ever forgive myself?) A heart attack? Covid-19? I knew he had been suffering with various viruses but hadn’t paid too much mind to it. He was always one to make himself the centre of attention.

We are waiting for the post mortem results, which are due tomorrow. My sister and I went to clear his room and it was…. tragic. Tragic is the right word. How such a valuable and excting life could be reduced to that – a lonely room, full of empty vodka bottles with vomit in the toilet and months’ worth of unopened debt collection letters.

I will post more but I’m not quite ready. There are so many conflicting emotions right now.

Much love to you all, and stay safe during these terrible, scary times. I love you, my big bro. I’m sorry. I did all I could, and what I thought was right. If it wasn’t, I hope you forgive me. Maybe one day I will be able to forgive myself too.

xxx

 

 

Tags: AA, alcohol, alcoholism, bereavement, brother, death, grief, loss, Mental Health